The Lion and the Lamb

The difference between what courage looks like and what it feels like.

Trembles

Before a battle Turenne, one of the greatest French Generals of all time, could not stop his body from shaking. When in this condition he would speak to his body as one does to a servant: “You tremble carcass, but you would tremble a lot more if you knew where I was taking you.”¹

I’ve always admired the ability for people to command themselves through frightful and uncharted waters, especially when it means overcoming their personal inhibitions.

Starting a business is far from equivalent to entering battle, but it still can be a daunting task.

Nassim Taleb stated that “the three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.”

When I was working as a trader at Goldman, the biweekly direct deposit I received paradoxically provided me both a sense of comfort and unsettlement. After witnessing the ups and downs of my father and near loss of my mother, I’ve come to view my life as a precious gift, a canvas with which I may craft to my liking. Life’s brevity and the uncertainty of the future only accentuate this.

While working for nearly a decade on Goldman’s trading floor I met great people, did intellectually stimulating work, and had a front row seat to world events — but I still felt in some ways unfulfilled. I would constantly ask my myself: “Am I being too safe?” Then as now, I wasn’t certain what a great or meaningful life meant for me, but I was sure that it meant taking big swings if I wanted something more.

Around that time a friend shared with me this thought: what a person does daily is practice for what he will do for the rest of his life. By extension, if I refused to regularly take on new adventures then I would fall into a life of psychological if not spiritual flabbiness.

My deepest fear was that the comfort I was provided in my prestigious job with a healthy salary had come at the cost of the vigor and gusto needed to face real challenges. The solace and safety of a few hundred thousand dollars a year would be the price for my own self-domestication — for my soul.

Painting parking lots strikes many as a goofy path to seek adventure, especially if it entails jettisoning from a career on Wall Street. But it provides a test of mettle in many ways — economic uncertainty, physical effort, the exploration of new terrain — all under my own self-direction. If I want a life of pushing boundaries and new achievements, succeeding in this venture is a first step.

Overcoming man

After Socrates was condemned to death in Athens he stated that he “owed a cock to Asclepius.” In the Greek pantheon Asclepius was the son of Apollo and the god of healing. Socrates’ debt to the deity implied a gratitude for being healed from the burden of living.

Nietzsche writes that man, living in an age of dissolution, is the inheritor of multiple conflicting drives that create a war within himself. This internal battle can lead to a world-weariness and resignation that curses existence (as Socrates demonstrates above). However, contrary to this, the zest and thrill of conflict can also awaken the best in man — leading to a conquering of the self and a continuous seeking of further adventure and challenge.

To be completely honest, I think I am naturally inclined to be in the former camp. I have a strong tendency towards timidity, and for a long period, perhaps the majority of my existence, thought the ultimate goal would be a life of leisure, rest, and reprieve.

A friend described the jump I made as brave; but I have never felt like more of a coward. Risking economic well-being, social standing, even health with manual labor leaves me feeling more vulnerable and exposed than ever before.

Nietzsche urged that man’s limits and inhibitions must be overcome.

Dave Chapelle was a sensitive and timid child growing up. His mother saw in him a possibility for great achievement but knew he would have to go against his nature to face adversity. She wisely told him from a young age that: “sometimes you have to be a lion to be the lamb you truly are.”

The old adage about courage is that it isn’t the absence of fear but the triumph over it.

I have taken a big jump not because I am inclined to do so. In fact, I find myself often scared of the potential perils. But when contrasted with the greater risk of wasting a life, I channel Turenne again in speaking to my soul: my spirit may tremble now, but it would tremble much more if it knew how far I was truly preparing to go.

1. “Carcasse, tu trembles? Tu tremblerais bien davantage, si tu savais, ou je te mene.” My friend, Leo Caesaris, notes that this is likely misinterpreted.